Saturday, May 30, 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
and if you know me, you know that i love nothing more in this world than a random act of kindness. and i've been living off of this one for weeks. i tucked that pink paper rectangle into the journals of rachel corrie, on the page where she writes:
in the back of the bus someone is talking about some band and they're trading headphones all around. all these people are awake and chatty and i'm tired from my graveyard shift. i really do love them. i love us riding the bus together. and i know it's a privilege to love riding the bus after having a car, but you know, i don't really care. i love us, riding the bus together.
i want to cultivate more of these kindness-based transactions, where one random person offers a small considerate gesture and is treated to one in return. i really do think people are intrinsically good and love each other. i think people are all so intent on getting ahead that they feel like suckers if they give someone a little grace, or a little wiggle room to be human in. kind of like why no one believes in socialism; we have no faith that the people around us won't take advantage of non-capitalistic system. and nobody's willing to be the first to sacrifice, whether it's letting someone into their lane, or paying higher taxes for universal health care.
oh, i know i simplify things. but sometimes i catch the the world in such a light that makes me so happy for the little things that it strikes me as strange that people go off to india and nicaragua and australia looking for a "spiritual experience" when there's so much spirituality to be had here.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
i'm reading let me stand alone, the journals of rachel corrie. i love reading journals for the same reason i prefer interviews to be portrayed in the question and answer format in magazines. i always think a person's actual contradictory, fragmented thoughts are always more beautiful than the sterilized summed-up regurgitations that some journalists prefer. rachel corrie is my latest addition to my hypothetical dinner party. she's who i strive to be, minus the whole thinking-the-world-is-a-bad-place thing. she loves the world the way i want to love the world; simply and exquisitely. she tells a story about hitchhiking, where a car pulls over so she runs up to the window and waits for them to roll it down. except they don't. and they don't and they don't and they don't. they don't even look at her. and it becomes this big awkward thing until she follows their gaze and realizes they pulled over to admire a nativity scene in the park across the street. not to give her a ride. and instead of feeling invisible and annoyed, she just feels embarrassed and sheepish. i'm not sure why the story stayed with me, but it really struck me as admirable.
Friday, March 6, 2009
on a positive note, i'm starting to find suburbia refreshing? i went to the spaghetti factory with my mom tonight and brink's home security employees were having their company party. they were all sitting around a long paper place-matted table, wearing navy blue hats and coveralls, eating cheap pasta and cheap beer, and laughing. they were yukking it up like crazy! completely devoid of the usual company party awkwardness, it was obvious they were genuinely enjoying each other. i've been to a few posh/hip/fancy company parties complete with open bar and fancy finger food and never have i - or my friends - enjoyed them. watching these blue collar men and woman, made me crazy happy inside. like, maybe it really is okay to choose something other than becoming a "young professional." maybe it's okay to not think living in seattle proper is worth the money. maybe suburbia can be my new bellingham.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
i've been trying to give myself lots of little things to look forward to: tyanne's birthday happy hour was great fun on friday, involving photobooths and mrs. pac man. a valentine's dinner-and-movie date with caitlin ensued on saturday. and today, i spent time reading oriah mountain dreamer's the invitation followed by a glorius nap. i wonder if there will come a point where i don't have to work so hard to be happy. staying away from capitol hill helps, as does painting my fingernails pink and taking baths with eucalyptus-scented salts. also, now that i've noticed a tendency in myself to steamroll people with ideas that i don't even necessarily believe—my mantra is: soften, soften, soften. and i feel softer, softer, softer inside.
excerpts from the poem the invitation was based upon:
it doesn't interest me what you do for a living. i want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
it doesn't interest me how old you are. i want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
. . .
i want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.
i want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “yes!”
. . .
it doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. i want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
Friday, February 6, 2009
please, god, don’t let this be me. everyone that knows me knows that the only thing i find more depressing than the economy are the people wringing their hands over it. i believe the rate of unemployment is directly related to the percentage of people who have the potential to improve their lives. how glorious is it to have such an expanse of time to dream and imagine without monday morning boring its ugly head into our dreams? oh, i don’t have any solutions. i’m having this guy read my tarot and astrology chart next thursday, and i’m hoping to get a little clarity. it’s 300 bucks, but he’s supposed to really good, and besides it’s a small price to pay for a little clarity. i’ll be honest: once again, i’m paralyzed by my oldest friend, indecision.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
i guess i'm afraid that everything that i think i want is just a response to what i know i don't want. and i know allllll about what i don't want. i know i don't want to "manage" or "coordinate" anything. i know that i don't want to work hard to make someone else rich. i can rapidly fire off a list of things i find banal and uninspired, for instance:
guys who refer to themselves as "outdoorsy"
flannel in the city
flannel in the city with skinny jeans (please, seattle, STOP!)
fretting about the economy
the phrase “work hard play hard”
broadway and the surrounding pike/pine area
95 percent of feminist theory (please don’t hate me, tyanne)
pine furniture (especially in kitchens with periwinkle curtains)
articles of incorporation
guys who leave ski lift stickers on their zippers
the seemingly endless obsession with pirates
jazz/blues/fusion bands in bellingham
western’s “take back the night” march
english majors who read harry potter
but i'm done running away from things i don't like. i don't want to define myself by not liking pirates. i want to pass out and see stars from running so hard towards the things that i do like and fall down slick with sweat, thinking wow, thank you, universe.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
i brought more clothes home from bellingham today. i took pictures of my apartment and will put them on craigslist tomorrow morning. moving back to bellingham was something that needed to be done. and even though i hooked up with a republican and took a job as a cog in the kicking-people-out-of-their-homes machine (ahem, I mean foreclosure process), i’m so grateful that i had the chance to put the bellingham baby to bed. plus, i reconnected with matt and tim, saw some beautiful sunsets, and watched obama win the election in the same city in which i've thought all of my best thoughts. mmmmm.
i had a crazy good time with caitlin this weekend. we're going to be roomies! we’re looking at the greenwood/phinney/ballard neighborhoods and i think i’d like living in any of them. capitol Hill, i will not fall into your hipster trap again! but seattle, maybe, just maybe, you will give birth to some of my best thoughts yet.