even though you use the word poem in your poems, you make me want to write them. we are all doing things to be received; formulating spreadsheets, telling jokes, leaning in close to apply cherry bomb lip gloss. i miss feeling like i'm good at something. i miss having people ask about my line breaks. i miss crashing into mary cornish in front of the pears at the co-op and having an impromptu discussion about this thing called love. and i suppose i can use my days more creatively. but i'm afraid to re-develop a taste for poetry, only to have my time ripped off of me like skin again. recycling my grad school applications was the beginning of worst break-up of my life. and the truth is, i don't want to be a writer. except in terms of silly things like this, or the short smattering of words i scribble on random bits of paper. and i'm reading fiction again, which is a start. perhaps i shall join a book group. i just want to incorporate literature back into my life in lots of little ways.
on a positive note, i'm starting to find suburbia refreshing? i went to the spaghetti factory with my mom tonight and brink's home security employees were having their company party. they were all sitting around a long paper place-matted table, wearing navy blue hats and coveralls, eating cheap pasta and cheap beer, and laughing. they were yukking it up like crazy! completely devoid of the usual company party awkwardness, it was obvious they were genuinely enjoying each other. i've been to a few posh/hip/fancy company parties complete with open bar and fancy finger food and never have i - or my friends - enjoyed them. watching these blue collar men and woman, made me crazy happy inside. like, maybe it really is okay to choose something other than becoming a "young professional." maybe it's okay to not think living in seattle proper is worth the money. maybe suburbia can be my new bellingham.